How Will I Know?

At 33 years old, I’m losing count of the things i wish someone would have told me when i was younger. I mean, it’s hard enough being an adult, but having to learn to be an adult, without a compass is tough. This isn’t about to be a bunch of complaints or a story about how nobody gave me anything and i made it “from the mud”. Moreso, that i had questions, and conversations, but they didn’t go into enough detail to explain what was coming at various points of my life. The older i get, the more i realize that it’s no one’s fault that i didn’t know what to expect, and that’s simply because they didn’t know either. Most people are making it up as they go. Furthermore, asking people that are older is great, but sometimes they’re too far removed from your stage of life to remember at their feelings were, in the moment. There’s some things that you only learn from being in the middle of it, and making it to the other side. Successful or not, you’ll have a story to tell, and it becomes your mandate to explain, in detail, to those coming to you for advice, exactly what to expect. The easiest way to convey the proper message is to document the feeling in the moment. Ironically, most people don’t do that, especially us men. And that’s where i wasn’t to start. 

As life goes on, i find myself asking “did they not tell me? Or was i not listening?”  And i think I’ve finally figured out that the answer is “both”. I wish somebody would have explained to me earlier in life, the impact that i have on the world as a man. The way we can curate the climate of our lives and those around us, the way our missed steps can reverberate for years to come and out successes can shape the future for a lifetime. Everybody tells you that you have to be responsible, but I’ve found that people don’t want to tell you about their bumps and bruises on the way to their perspective. Conveying the pure magnitude of decision making and choices isn’t as potent when looking back 20 years, as it is if that pain, or joy is chronicled at the time. For me, and I’m sure most of you, it would have helped me immensely if i knew what to possibly expect in some areas. It’s not that I’ve never had anyone to talk to, but the detail of some situations is what’s missing often times. Details that would have been comforting to know that it’s all a part of the process and I’m not completely screwing up, or, that i am and i need to adjust. 

I remember having my first son, and not really feeling overwhelmed, but all joy. I thought to myself “this isn’t as scary or bad as everyone says”. The part that i didn’t know was the range of emotions that came after. Trying to be the responsible dad, balancing out life, keeping mom happy, all while feeling like everybody just reaches out to you for access to your kid, but no one takes the time to ask simply “what can i do for you?”  Now, I’m a super involved dad, and now with two sons i love spending all my free time with them. When it’s all new, it’s easy to feel cagey, not that anything is terrible but everything is different. How do i keep up with managing my life and now a new person that’s the smallest but most important thing and make time for everyone including myself? There’s a bunch more emotions or intricacies involved in this process, and each person’s situation is different, but all people tell you is, “get your sleep now” when in reality, the conversations we should be having before hand is how to handle the emotional toll it takes on mom and dad initially. “Don’t lose yourself” and “this is all normal, this is what worked for me”, are the types of statements we need in life and we don’t get them nearly enough.  

Highlight reel conversations is a detriment to our future. Our future depends on those coming up behind us and our job is to equip them the best way we can. When someone goes into business, simply telling them to “work hard” is only a minor statement. Explaining to them about business structure, insurance and taxes, is the conversation they really need. Teaching someone how to be attractive to investors, or raise funds is the gem we all need but rarely get without years of miscues. The whole reason the conversation pit podcast and this blog exist Is to chronicle our journey. So i don’t have to depend on my brain to remember how my heart felt. The words will be able to accurately represent what needs to be said later; almost like a to do list saturated with wisdom that will outlive me. 

My children won’t wonder why i didn’t tell them, if there’s information they need, my friends need, my family needs, it’ll all be there. I didn’t start off this journey to live it alone and my war wounds didn’t heal for me to keep the pain to myself. They’re to show that they heal, and grow you. 

-Stokes