The Bleeding Heart
We all have had, or has a friend who’s had a busted car. In Philly we call them “hoopties” or the stolen ones are called “jonnies” lol. Y’all know the car I’m talking about tho. Maybe missing a headlight, air conditioner definitely doesn’t work, and the insurance card has been expired but the owner just keeps changing the dates and getting fake ones. Not smart,
Nor safe, but somehow these were the most fun car rides. All kinds of memories are born on these sketchy car rides. I remember one of my friends had an old Buick, tinted, and had a friend put the radio in. Somewhere during the install, wires got crossed, so every time he got in the car, he had to reprogram all the settings and radio stations. We teased him at the time but it was important for us all to be there, together, so When we look back now, we’ll know where we started.
I want to talk about another friend of mine. He had a blue Ford Taurus, and a slight paranoia when it came to police. To the point that if there was a cop behind him, he’d pull over, park, and get out. JUST so the cop couldn’t pull him over. One of the reasons he was so afraid was because shortly after getting his car, the transmission went and he couldn’t get out of first gear. If you know like i know, cars like that are a target for police and he was probably wise for his methods.
The paranoia was a result of the internal issue. Although we couldn't see the transmission, we could hear it struggling. We’d notice that while driving we’d never go over 35mph. Not because his effort wasn’t there as a driver, not due to a lack of a desire to go faster, but simply because there was a malfunction on the inside that was showing on the outside.
The condition of your heart, dictates the transitions of your life. No one can see it, but they can see your actions, your motives, your paranoia. A bleeding heart is a tricky thing. It shows itself eventually in so many ways, but rarely does the person who’s bleeding on people recognize it. Seems obvious to those on the outside but the person in question is fighting a battle and it’s usually blinding to them.
Most of us know someone who’s mean or petty for seemingly no reason. Or the person who tears others down at the drop of a dime because “it needed to be said”. Or that person that can’t seem to stay in a relationship because they’re “toxic” or aren’t “good” at relationships. When you come in contact with other people, your goal should be to build them up, or be a positive light for them during and after your interaction. Too often we stay way from those who lovingly let us know we’re causing a path of destruction and in turn run to those who feed into and accept the chaos. What do i mean? Theres always a group of girls that sit and gossip about one another, or minding other peoples business. But they don’t have a single person in that circle to change the conversations and hold one another accountable. Same with guys, men that don’t raise their families, can’t hang with family men. That kind of neglect and irresponsibility wouldn’t be tolerated.
Have you ever hurt yourself, and your mom say “let me see”. And the first thing u do is say “no, I’m fine”. Then later you find yourself looking or asking for a band aid anyway? Well i have. Metaphorically and in real life. Wounds that come from childhood trauma, relational dysfunction, and just simply living, will cause us all to damage ourselves and others along the way. The ironic thing to me, is that we make our lives harder, by moving too fast or not correcting our mistakes, justifying our chaos, but then act like someone owes us a clean slate. We wonder why we don’t progress and grow but we’re holding on to the excuse that our dad wasn’t around so we don’t raise our own children. Bleeding on them transferring our pain and hurt to them like a toxic blood transfusion. Or when that relationship didn’t work out now we’re on this war path to prove how happy we are to the internet but not being else to for our friends when they need us. Bleeding on them too. AND STILL, we say we want all that life has for us.
The condition of your heart is the transmission to your future. You cannot avoid the problems my pulling over and checking out every time there’s pressure on you. You cannot excel at positively being present if you’re bleeding on people the whole time. Blood is insanely difficult to wash way. Be as careful with the healing and restoring of your heart as you are with the background in pictures before they hit Instagram. Go to therapy, adjust your life. So when you need to step on the gas to go from one season of your life to the next, your transmission can get you there.